Big Ass Spider 2013 7+ out of 10

Big Ass Spider 2013  7+ out of 10

Definitely the best opening sequence for a Big Ass Spider movie ever.  This movie knew exactly what it was and took full advantage of that.   It was cheesy and over the top and that worked well for this giant mutant creature feature.  Starring Greg Grunberg (from Heroes) as cocky exterminator that gets involved with a giant mutant spider that has escaped from the government.  The spider keeps killing people in interesting ways like spraying acid on a hospital patients face and melting it Raider of the Lost Ark style.   As the spider kills it keeps growing until it is near King Kong size and about to lay its eggs.

The movie has some funny dialogue and at times feels like an episode of Reno 911 if it had a giant mutant spider in it.  The security guard that tags along with him as the giant spider crushed and skewers people with its legs is great cheese ball comedy.   Like I said this movie knew what it was and embraced it and was very enjoyable as a result.  If you want a funny entertaining creature feature---give this movie a chance while we wait for Sharknado 2 to fall from the skies this summer.

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Spiders 3D 2013 6 out of 10

Spiders 3D  2013 6 out of 10

A meteor crashes through a Russian space station and brings with it a secret government experiment into the subways of New York city.   About 40 minutes into this giant spider movie I was having a Jeff Goldblum moment and was about to ask "You are actually going to have giant mutant spiders in your giant mutant spider movie? ".   The movie gets off to a slow and misguided start as the entire first half of the movie is wasted on a secret government  military experiment storyline that is later dropped.   Yes the government is responsible for the giant attacking spiders and the main characters spend most of the movie trying to escape from the government.   The movie was definitely heading to dudsville even when some big spiders began to show up and there is a cheesy battle between Patrick Muldoon and a spider using a forklift.  Then the stupid scientist that wants to predictable protect the spiders gets killed be them -just like in every movie like this.    The story of the movie never really gets any better as they spend the last half of the movie looking for their daughter in a quarantined zone, but a giant mutated spider does finally show up to wreck havoc on the city.    The giant spider is actually pretty cool and basically single handedly redeemed this movie from being a 4 out of 10  into being a 6 out of 10 as it brought back memories of Ray Harryhausen as it menaced the city causing more damage then the villians in Superman 2.   The Giant spider walked around battling machine gun fire and screaming like Godzilla.   If only the Giant Spider had been in more of the movie to hide its lackluster plot.


What is up with Patrick Muldoon and giant bugs?

This is his third time around running away from giant bugs.   First in the classic Starship Troopers  --in which he doesn't fair so well and then in Ice Spiders  (where he battles them at a ski resort).  Apparently he has never seen a giant bug script he didn't like.

13 Eerie 2013 5 out of 10

13 Eeire 5 out 10

The movie is about a group of forensic students that are taking a field test with their teacher  (Played by Michael Shanks --of Stargate SG1 fame).   This field test takes place on a remote island where apparently some illegal biological testing took place on some dangerous criminals. I recorded this film on the DVR off of Chiller TV  ---(the TV channel for low budget horror movies that back in the day we would find at local Music Plus VHS rental store). It was described  as a bunch of students that come across mutant creatures.  The movie was a mixed bag of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.


The Bad

1.  The movie got off to a slow start establishing the forensic students taking their tests on corpses at this remote location.  The movie took its time setting 
up the story. 

2.  The movies description wasn't very accurate as its budget didn't really allow for an island full of mutant creatures.   I was expecting actual creatures.....not just a couple of prison inmates in what looked like muscle bound Toxic Avenger makeup.    I was really hoping to  see a bunch of weird creatures.

3. It was the typical:   It isn't a zombie movie----but it is really a zombie movie plot.    Just because you call something a mutant creature,  doesn't mean that it isn't just a zombie.   I mean they are undead  (zombie)---if they bite you ...you turn into one of them  (Zombie) they crave human flesh (zombie).  If you are going to make a Zombie movie ----just call it a Zombie movie.    Of course a lot of low budget Zombie movies like this that can't afford a bunch of extras  --call themselves non-zombie movies so that the people that can watch quality Zombie action every week on Walking Dead---don't actually expect a ton of zombies stalking the victims in the movie.

4.  The ending was very abrupt and Michael Shanks ---the one actor I actually know disappears from the story for a good 20 minutes near the end.  


The Good

1. If you like gore the movie once it got going actually delivers with numerous gory death scenes.  It did a good job of providing some nasty visual footage
and some interesting death scenes.  At this point I feel like I have seen everything that could be seen in a horror movie,  so if a film can deliver something disturbing that you haven't seen or show something you have seen already in an interesting way that is good.

The Ugly

These Toxic Avenger flesh eating mutants sure were ugly.

Here is the trailer

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